Finding Me.

I look back, WAY back to the girl before I became someones wife; to the time before I was someones mom.  Where did she go? How did she get lost? Who will help me find her again? Is it even possible to pull her back from the abyss of the past and into the present?  Surely I am not the only one on earth who has lost themselves by becoming everyone else's something, but in the process left me behind.  I know life changes people, circumstances change people, people change people, hardships change people, blessings change people, but into someone they don't recognize anymore when they look in the mirror and stare at their own reflection? These are all very introspective questions I have recently pondered, and maybe just maybe you have done the same.  I know we are meant to morph into the person God wants us to be, but what if some of that changing has left you so tattered and torn you just want to see a little of your old self come to life.

So much has happened in my life since the last time I wrote a blog, and honestly I don't know how long the fog will last being the crazy chaos that has been my life for almost two years now.  Divorce, moving to a different state, taking a new and very challenging job,  and on top of that being a single parent to two kids can take its toll.  No wonder I am tattered and torn, worn and wrinkled ;) But there is something deep within me that longs to see the girl I was, or at least pieces and parts of who I am, me as a person before the love, heartbreak, blessing, bliss, devastation and flat out train wreck that has been my life.

Were do you even begin to find the you that used to be? Do you look at old pictures or rekindle friendships?  Maybe do you wish you would wake up with amnesia and forget what happened? I don't know...well I do know that amnesia is not a viable option because although it would remove the hurt, it would also remove all the joy as well.  And about those old pictures...they don't change what has happened between then and now, but they will remind you that time marched on whether you like it or not.  Rekindle old friendships, absolutely, as there is nothing better than old friends to share good memories and new fun times with, and besides you could never have too many friends in this insane world we live in to share your life with.

What I do know is LIFE IS HARD.  Anyone who seems to have the perfect life is hiding something, maybe not on purpose but they are just in deep denial.  This world is filled with hardship, heartache, deep disappointments (some we bring apon ourselves, and some just happen) and no one is immune.  Bad things happen to good people, and life is not fair.  It's just fact, life is filled with thorns and some scratch deeper and sting more than others.  I often think how we deal with those scrapes, scratches, or deep and infected wounds become what molds us, shapes us, changes us, contorts us and not the bruises and bumps themselves.  After all, we can't remotely control the thorns that inflict the wounds, but we can control ourselves, how we handle them, and how we choose. And yes, choose to move forward in spite of them.  I am not the only one beat up, torn, contorted, wounded...we all are, just in different ways and severity.

That girl, the one I used to be, she doesn't exist anymore.  She is changed.  She is scarred.  She is broken.  She is often tired and weary.  But she still is! And she does not give up.  And she does not give in. And she does not look back and think what if...She looks forward, and thinks...what if?