It's the final countdown...

First off let me say...if you want cheap entertainment look at all the crazy people who have posted videos for the final countdown song by Europe!  My daughter asked me what in the world I was listening to, and holy cow, there is a band on YouTube singing this song called worst cover ever that I think made my ears bleed!!! How someone could get up on a stage in front of people and sing that terribly is well...beyond all comprehension or maybe they are tone deaf and think they rock!!! Anyway, they are not the only entertaining video, this guy was playing so very weird instrument with a kazoo on the end and a little keyboard along with a guitar section...need I say more.  And on to the final countdown!!!

Moving day is here, well almost!  Thursday is the big closing and then it is serious go time.  I am already worn out from just all of the logistics to move utilities and Internet.  If I could have stood on the desk of Time Warner Cable's CEO today, I would have.  I was so mad, and after asking to speak to a supervisor I hopefully have it all sorted out.  But I won't hold my breath, as it all has to actually be executed in the time frame we discussed before it will restore even a tiny bit of customer satisfaction from this gal!  Seven different people spanning over three days, and a total of about three hours total of talking and waiting on hold.  Ridiculous for cancelling my cable and phone, and transferring my Internet to my new house.  They are very lucky I have no other choice in this area or I would have told them where to put their Internet service :)

Now packing, that is another situation.  I don't know if I mentioned before but we are moving next door.  I always used to think it was so weird when people would buy another house, but on the same street, and now I am one of them.  In a nutshell, we moved to North Carolina in a rush, thus not having time to find the "right and perfect" house for us.  We decided to rent in the neighborhood in which we thought we wanted to live, just to make sure it was right for us.  And we decided with a unanimous YES, and when our neighbor/friend put their house for sale, well the rest is history, so they say. The hard part is deciding how in the world you pack to move next door.  I don't want to wrap up all of my dished and things, that would just waste a bunch of paper.  I am going to try loading them right off the shelf into a tote, then unloading them right onto the shelf where they go.  Now, this is probably the least prepared for a move I have even been. But I have been limited to how much I could do lately.  I was told to come off of the Heparin injections due to the miscarriage. But since I already have a risk of blood clotting, I don't have time to be dealing with that now, or ever for that matter!  In other words, I have been careful and way less productive.  What else can a girl do who has all this going on at one time?  You already know what I'm going to say, EH? Smile and just move on :)

When I am weak, then I am strong...

To be honest, I wasn't planning to write tonight...but I have a few things to get off my chest so to speak.  And let me preface this with the fact that you may feel this is a bit controversial, but I believe what I believe, feel how I feel, and that dictates what I say.  You don't have to feel the same way as me, but keep in mind before you judge, you have probably not walked in my shoes.

I am having a hard time tonight, as I was reading the information on the medication misoprostol I have to take in order to help my body along with the miscarriage.  When the body doesn't recognize the baby is either not formed (as in my case), or the baby has died, it still carries on as if things are fine.  It's called a missed miscarriage, and has happened to me four times now.  Only the original miscarriage was a normal miscarriage...if you can even call a miscarriage normal.  But as I read the information on these pills, I come to find out they are also used in other countries as a means of aborting a perfectly normal live baby.  This somehow has rocked me to my core, because someone has taken this medicine to kill their baby, and I would give anything to be able to use it and give mine life!!! I just don't understand, honestly, I can't imagine in my wildest dreams what goes through a woman's mind.  A miscarriage leaves a hole in your heart, a spot that was meant for loving that baby, and it never gets filled in, EVER!!! It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, and the only thing I truly could think of being worse, is the loss of a child. Now I know this pregnancy never formed a baby per say, but I didn't know that, and still would be thinking everything was okay had I not had the ultrasound already.  But I have had that ultrasound that showed a little heart beating, three other times, and that little heart beat stopped beating.  In my eyes, that is a loss of life, plain and simple.  

And well, I decided...I'm mad about it! I can try and be strong for the sake of my husband, kids, and family...but it really upsets me that I will miss the chance to hold a newborn again, get to hear their first giggle, watch them roll over, sit up, walk, run, go to preschool and school, graduate, get married, have kids of their own...I'm mad, and oh so sad.  And nothing, nothing can change it, that chance is gone forever!  Life is so precious, a miracle, sacred, but I guess not to everyone.  They pick and choose whose life is and whose isn't.  I thought that was God's job.  And I know He chose this time for me, and well, I'm a little mad at Him too!  I have a right to be, but what I know is in my weakness, He is strong. And here is the news flash of the day, I am feeling a little weak over this.  So just in case He reads my blog too, I'm ready for Him to show up and be strong.  Moving on, but I'm not a happy camper tonight!

⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast ^[b]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with ^[c]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

List of top 11 reasons to stay positive in spite of things...

1. I don't have to gain weight just to turn around and struggle to lose it again.
2. Can stop the 2x a day Heparin injections in my stomach that leave terrible bruising.
3. Don't have to worry now with which two of my children will have to share a room.
4. There will be less to pack up when we run out of the house for errands or vacation.
5. We might have a few bucks saved for retirement, if we get a move on that is...
6. I have a better chance of NOT looking like I swallowed a beach ball at the pool this summer.
7. I don't have to endure natural child birth again!!!
8. I don't have to scrutinize everything that I eat or drink for fear it is on the "don't" list.
9. Saves me the worry of how we were going to pay for the doctor/hospital bills since we didn't have maternity insurance.
10. I will be able to stop changing poopie diapers earlier than I thought I would.
11. I can look at my two MIRACLE children with a renew appreciation, and love them with every fiber of my being!!!

But of course, I would gladly go through all of the above had things have turned out differently. Moving forward, right foot, left foot, stay busy, just stay busy...