First off let me say...if you want cheap entertainment look at all the crazy people who have posted videos for the final countdown song by Europe! My daughter asked me what in the world I was listening to, and holy cow, there is a band on YouTube singing this song called worst cover ever that I think made my ears bleed!!! How someone could get up on a stage in front of people and sing that terribly is well...beyond all comprehension or maybe they are tone deaf and think they rock!!! Anyway, they are not the only entertaining video, this guy was playing so very weird instrument with a kazoo on the end and a little keyboard along with a guitar section...need I say more. And on to the final countdown!!!
Moving day is here, well almost! Thursday is the big closing and then it is serious go time. I am already worn out from just all of the logistics to move utilities and Internet. If I could have stood on the desk of Time Warner Cable's CEO today, I would have. I was so mad, and after asking to speak to a supervisor I hopefully have it all sorted out. But I won't hold my breath, as it all has to actually be executed in the time frame we discussed before it will restore even a tiny bit of customer satisfaction from this gal! Seven different people spanning over three days, and a total of about three hours total of talking and waiting on hold. Ridiculous for cancelling my cable and phone, and transferring my Internet to my new house. They are very lucky I have no other choice in this area or I would have told them where to put their Internet service :)
Now packing, that is another situation. I don't know if I mentioned before but we are moving next door. I always used to think it was so weird when people would buy another house, but on the same street, and now I am one of them. In a nutshell, we moved to North Carolina in a rush, thus not having time to find the "right and perfect" house for us. We decided to rent in the neighborhood in which we thought we wanted to live, just to make sure it was right for us. And we decided with a unanimous YES, and when our neighbor/friend put their house for sale, well the rest is history, so they say. The hard part is deciding how in the world you pack to move next door. I don't want to wrap up all of my dished and things, that would just waste a bunch of paper. I am going to try loading them right off the shelf into a tote, then unloading them right onto the shelf where they go. Now, this is probably the least prepared for a move I have even been. But I have been limited to how much I could do lately. I was told to come off of the Heparin injections due to the miscarriage. But since I already have a risk of blood clotting, I don't have time to be dealing with that now, or ever for that matter! In other words, I have been careful and way less productive. What else can a girl do who has all this going on at one time? You already know what I'm going to say, EH? Smile and just move on :)
To be honest, I wasn't planning to write tonight...but I have a few things to get off my chest so to speak. And let me preface this with the fact that you may feel this is a bit controversial, but I believe what I believe, feel how I feel, and that dictates what I say. You don't have to feel the same way as me, but keep in mind before you judge, you have probably not walked in my shoes.
I am having a hard time tonight, as I was reading the information on the medication misoprostol I have to take in order to help my body along with the miscarriage. When the body doesn't recognize the baby is either not formed (as in my case), or the baby has died, it still carries on as if things are fine. It's called a missed miscarriage, and has happened to me four times now. Only the original miscarriage was a normal miscarriage...if you can even call a miscarriage normal. But as I read the information on these pills, I come to find out they are also used in other countries as a means of aborting a perfectly normal live baby. This somehow has rocked me to my core, because someone has taken this medicine to kill their baby, and I would give anything to be able to use it and give mine life!!! I just don't understand, honestly, I can't imagine in my wildest dreams what goes through a woman's mind. A miscarriage leaves a hole in your heart, a spot that was meant for loving that baby, and it never gets filled in, EVER!!! It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, and the only thing I truly could think of being worse, is the loss of a child. Now I know this pregnancy never formed a baby per say, but I didn't know that, and still would be thinking everything was okay had I not had the ultrasound already. But I have had that ultrasound that showed a little heart beating, three other times, and that little heart beat stopped beating. In my eyes, that is a loss of life, plain and simple.
And well, I decided...I'm mad about it! I can try and be strong for the sake of my husband, kids, and family...but it really upsets me that I will miss the chance to hold a newborn again, get to hear their first giggle, watch them roll over, sit up, walk, run, go to preschool and school, graduate, get married, have kids of their own...I'm mad, and oh so sad. And nothing, nothing can change it, that chance is gone forever! Life is so precious, a miracle, sacred, but I guess not to everyone. They pick and choose whose life is and whose isn't. I thought that was God's job. And I know He chose this time for me, and well, I'm a little mad at Him too! I have a right to be, but what I know is in my weakness, He is strong. And here is the news flash of the day, I am feeling a little weak over this. So just in case He reads my blog too, I'm ready for Him to show up and be strong. Moving on, but I'm not a happy camper tonight!
9 And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast [b]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with [c]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9 New American Standard Bible (NASB)
I don't have to gain weight just to turn around and struggle to lose it again.
Can stop the 2x a day Heparin injections in my stomach that leave terrible bruising.
Don't have to worry now with which two of my children will have to share a room.
There will be less to pack up when we run out of the house for errands or vacation.
We might have a few bucks saved for retirement, if we get a move on that is...
I have a better chance of NOT looking like I swallowed a beach ball at the pool this summer.
I don't have to endure natural child birth again!!!
I don't have to scrutinize everything that I eat or drink for fear it is on the "don't" list.
Saves me the worry of how we were going to pay for the doctor/hospital bills since we didn't have maternity insurance.
I will be able to stop changing poopie diapers earlier than I thought I would.
I can look at my two MIRACLE children with a renew appreciation, and love them with every fiber of my being!!!
But of course, I would gladly go through all of the above had things have turned out differently. Moving forward, right foot, left foot, stay busy, just stay busy...
So...the news at the Obgyn today wasn't the greatest. As a matter of fact, it stunk!!! There was a pregnancy, but the baby never formed. Not the first time for this if you read the previous post about my story. I figured when the doctor began the ultrasound and said in a small voice, "well, there is a pregnancy." "But I do not see a baby yet, are you sure of your dates?" I can not tell a lie, my heart sank to the depths of my being. I was trying to be hopeful, but my heart was still guarded for the just in case, which happens to me quite often. However, the hardest part by far, was having to tell my sweet daughter there was no baby, and watching the tears roll down her face as her heart broke over the news.
It is one thing to feel hurt yourself, but when you watch your child hurting...it certainly brings on a whole new level of hurt. She was so hoping for a girl, and would have been happy with a boy too. She always wanted more brothers and sisters...just not that easy in this house though. I wanted a healthy baby first, then maybe a sister for her! But life just isn't going to work that way this time around. And my husband plays tough but I know he is feeling the sadness too! What gives it away with him? Let's see, some red wine, and a half bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips I suppose is what helps him drown his sorrows. And of course Luke doesn't have a clue, which is a blessing! The grandparents are sad, and the rest of our family and friends join in with our heartbreak today. Now to figure out what happens next, and the surgical procedure that must take place to help my body along with making things right again.
So, I won't go on with the gloom and doom, but will accept all prayers for myself and my family. But I will look to God for peace, and will continue to stand firm on my faith! I know some of you may not understand, but sometimes bad things happen to good people. Trust me, I know, this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to having something bad happen, even though I do all I can do to be "good." I will choose to be positive, enjoy the two beautiful miracle children I have to hold in my arms, and know tonight my God will surely be small enough to hear my cry and hold me in His arms. I will rest in Him alone, for His ways are perfect...I don't understand now, but one day it will be completely clear. My prayer is God will use me as a light that shines brightly despite my circumstances. I will just move on...and skip the smiling part for today.
Are you like me and guard your heart in certain situations in the anticipation of the heartache that might follow? I will admit, it is very difficult to not guard your heart when you are pregnant at forty one years old, with a blood disorder, and a very lengthy list of miscarriages in your past. We are trained at a very young age, whether we realize it or not, to hope for the best, but sort of expect the worst when things crop up in life. I love myself some Chris Rice, which is the man who sings the song I have with today's post. I had not heard this song until today, and it hit me as I listened, that he was right...our heart is beating for more reasons than just to circulate blood to and through the body. Now of course, I am not really talking about the physical heart in this instance, but a matter of the heart. So, let's go into more detail, shall we?
Life is full of ups and downs, and often we get nervous when we are up because we all know what goes up must come down. It's like the sayings, "waiting for the other shoe to drop," "don't get your hopes up," or "I wouldn't count your chickens before they hatch!" And if we have already found ourselves in the same situation in the past that did not turn out the way we would have liked, then it is very easy to be pessimistic. Dating is a good example of this! After a long string of disappointments, we just expect the rest to be the same. Problem is, this can also lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy and when that perfect person comes along...we don't give them the benefit of the doubt, thus killing a perfectly good opportunity at love. Life is just plain hard, and I think I have said that a time or two before. And I'm no stranger to heartache and heart break. But something within me always propels me to move on, move forward, move past...
In the end, love though is what makes life worth living. It is going to come with a few, well a bunch of breaks, but after all what's that saying, "a life without love is really no life at all." We were meant to love, we were created to love, we crave it, we want it, we need it, and that is what our heart is beating for! Whether its the love from God, a parent, spouse, significant other, child, friend, animal, other family member, or whoever...it fills that void, gives us purpose to wake up each day and a reason to open our eyes and get out of bed. And at the end of the day, whether it was a good day or a not so good one, we still should have given a little love and got a little. So I will pray for the best when it comes to this new baby, because no matter what happens, my heart will go on beating whether it ends up a hurricane or sweet gentle rain. My love is mine to give away, and that is what I will choose to do no matter the outcome! Besides, I have others depending on it :) We have our first OBGYN appt tomorrow at 1:30 so I will keep everyone posted on how things are progressing. Hopefully this little guy or gal's heart is already beating for it's Momma!
So, for many of you, you know the crazy "Julie" story. But for those of you that only know bits, pieces, or not even that much...here goes!
I married my Canadian hockey playing husband right after graduating from University of Louisville. We met in October, we fell in love at first sight, we crossed the US/Canadian Border what seemed like a billion times, (enough to get the attention of the border officers), got engaged on Valentine's Day, and I walked down the aisle at the end of September 1994, less that a year after meeting. This sounds a bit fast, but we "needed" to be together all the time, and there wasn't another way because of immigrations. And it all worked out in the end :) But the crazy started when I found out about a year after getting married I was pregnant! Everyone was super excited, and we even flew up to Canada to tell Bill's parents in person we were having a baby. Except one little problem, that baby about 3 weeks later ended in a miscarriage :( The doctor said that often things just don't match up as they are supposed to genetically and there was nothing to worry about.
Now, endure the next 5 years of infertility treatments, to no avail! Then miraculously we find out in Jan. of 2000, I am pregnant with my soon to be Lily girl! Pregnancy goes off without a hitch, picture perfect to be exact. I taught group fitness, water aerobics, and played golf the whole time...including 18 holes the day before she was born!! She was perfect in every way, and our everything! So imagine my surprise when she was 9 months old to find out after 5 years of infertility before her, I was pregnant!!! But...enter the crazy again! I lost the baby at 9 weeks, and was crushed. I just figured since my pregnancy with Lily was so perfect that the miscarriage thing wouldn't happen again, WRONG!!! This time though, my body didn't recognize the baby wasn't alive anymore, so I had to have a procedure to help with the process. We decided to give things a break, and not try for a while. Oh, and sidebar let me add in, my "plan" was to have all 3 of my children before I was 25. Since I was 28 when I finally had Lily, that plan was blown, and the newest miscarriage further delayed my 3 kids plan. Fear of infertility crept back into my mind, as it was a year later that we finally got pregnant again!!! YEAH!!! Except, yup, you guessed it, miscarriage again, this time at 13 weeks. Everything is fine, then wait, no heartbeat, everything is not so fine. And if you are keeping track, yes we are up to 3 miscarriages, the one before Lily and now 2 more. Suddenly, our problem wasn't infertility anymore, but sustaining the pregnancy. Why??? Doctor says, well sometimes things just don't match up as they are supposed to (heard that one before)...we do genetic testing on 5% of the population, and of that 5% only 1% will truly have any problems. OK we said, after all she was the doctor, right?
Time goes by, not trying and not preventing...guess what? We are pregnant once again, 5th pregnancy just to keep you on track. We were in a new part of town, so new doctor. We go to see her, and she is ultra on guard about our situation and history of miscarriage. But even that didn't help, baby never formed beyond a yolk sac, and as usual my body didn't recognize the baby was already in the arms of Jesus...so I had to have another procedure to help my body out. But instead of everything going smooth, within a few days my temperature spiked and my white count dropped very low, so into the hospital I go for 10 days! Not so good when your doctor comes in and past me on the leg to tell me they don't know what is going on, but this is very serious. They pumped me full of so many strong antibiotics my IV vein hardened, and they drew blood every hour to check my white count. They call in infectious disease, hematology, and every other specialist they could get a hold of, I think! Turns out, they didn't really pinpoint why my white count was so low, but with genetic testing they did find out I have a blood clotting disorder called MTHFR for short. This was the culprit for the miscarriages, as my blood is so thick that the baby doesn't get the nourishment via the placenta to allow it to grow and develop as it should, and the result is the loss of another precious angel. MTHFR has to do with the homocysteine levels which control the folic acid maintained in the body, and since I have a genetic mutation at both locations, it creates pregnancy havoc to say the least. Now knowing this, we decide as a family, since we already have Lily and I would have to give myself blood thinner injections every day during pregnancy to try and sustain a pregnancy...we would just accept our family is me, Bill and Lily. And we were OK with this and grew quite comfortable. The pain of not having another baby subsided, and I no longer felt a jab every time I attended a baby shower, had to go to the OBGYN and sit in a waiting room full of pregnant ladies, or saw cute little baby clothes. God had healed that part of my heart, and I prayed I would rather not get pregnant at all than have to go through another loss.
Now fast forward to the fall of 2009, and holy cow!!! I'm pregnant!!! First call was to hematologist because I knew my only hope of carrying this pregnancy full term was those shots, which I started right away. Then looked for the best high risk doctor I could find, which was Dr. Marcello Pietrantoni in Louisville, KY. He held my hand through this unexpected and quite miraculous pregnancy. Delivery was a bit sketchy due to the blood thinner shots, but a beautiful baby boy named Luke became a part of our family! He had some issues early on, like the rare neurological disorder called benign peroxisomal torticollis, but all is well now, and he is a smartie patartie, and can run like the wind! So, family done right? Two was enough, and especially since I was 38 when Luke was born. NOT!!!
Surprise!!! I found out two days before Christmas that despite my ripe old age of 41, and protection (go ahead and giggle) I am PREGNANT!!! And now you know why I chose the title for today! It is ironic, that my plan was to have 3 kids before I was 25, and God must have thought I said 45! LOL! I could have pushed over my husband with a feather, and he isn't a smallish kind of guy! My daughter and husband had been asking if we could have another baby since Luke was about 6 months old, and my answer was always a very loud and clear, NO!!! And of course, this all happened two months after I sold my baby crib, mattress, and change table. I didn't keep any of my maternity clothes, or an infant car seat, or baby bath, bouncer, swing...why would I? This time I'm keeping things forever, just as added insurance! I have high school friends who have kids in college, have grandchildren, an empty nest, and here I am having a baby! In my defense, it wasn't my plan, but if anything... let my life be hope to anyone who has problems with infertility or miscarriage. It ain't over till the fat lady sings!!! Can I get an AMEN!!!???
If you think about it, say a little prayer for this old lady who is all bruised up from the heparin injections, struggling to make it to the gym to keep the weight down, chasing a two year old around, and wondering what in the world just happened? What else can I do but pray all goes smoothly, that my sweet baby is healthy, then smile and just move on :) Sure glad I didn't bother with that tummy tuck yet! LOL!!! I'm going to be watching cartoons until I'm a hundred years old!
Oh, and if you want to see my daughter, mom and dad as they find out about this pregnancy, check it out on the youtube section to the left. It is pretty funny!
There are parts of me that love Monday's, then there is that part which knows Monday means hurry up, pick up, clean up, straighten up, get busy, get organized, get a move on or else!!! Anyone else feel the same? The part of me that likes Monday needs the routine, the schedule, the extra little push to crawl out from under the sluggish and fun weekend and pop into action with all that need attention after giving it a break on Sat. and Sunday. I have a rule that I do not do housework on the weekend other than maybe a load of laundry or two, and I dust mop my kitty and doggie hair every day on the hardwood to keep the tumbleweeds down to a bare minimum!!! And of course it is back to school for everyone, which gives me a moment to myself to breathe...and pick up their messes ALL over the house!
Monday means get everyone to school on time, squeeze in the gym, make the all important list of things to do this week both personal and work related, and then commence to buckling down and getting things accomplished. You know, take a glance at the calendar to see what appointments we have, check our milk and bread supply, think about what to fix for dinner this week, place grocery order (I love you Lowes Foods to Go), fold laundry left in dryer from weekend, and so on, and so forth, and it just never stops. So, why in the world again do I like Monday??? What about all that appeals to me, you might ask? Let me explain why weekends are great but Monday must come, why I need it, and why even though you may not be happy about its weekly return, you need it too!
Monday to just about everyone whether working, staying home working, retired, vacationing, or whatever you do for life...means the beginning of something new, the week. How many times have you said, "I will start my diet on Monday, I will start exercising on Monday, I will begin reading that book on Monday, I will ..." you get the point. Monday signifies the time we begin again, begin over, a new start, and even though it happens every week; it still helps us attempt to do things we have put off, ignored, and quite frankly don't want to do... but know we really just have to like it or not. Now I am not saying we all do it with a spring in our step and whistling a happy little tune, but for the most part we suck it up and do. Kind of like Nike says, Just do It! Not because we like to, but because it is necessary for our existence. Did I get up this morning all pumped up about scrubbing toilets, scooping dog poop in the back yard, matching up what felt like a thousand little bitty socks, and all those other "fun" chores? Heck no!!! But are they all necessary? YUP!!! If I don't want to be embarrassed if I had a guest stop by and had pink mold or whatever that is that grows around the water line in the toilet bowl, or kids stepping in dog poop and then tracking it into the house, or my son not having socks when it is cold and his shoes could rub blisters without them? Of course not, it has to be done, the weekend is over, and it is time to get back to business, work, or whatever you want to call it. What else can you do but... Git-R-Done, then smile and just move on :)
As a child, I remember the anticipation of getting to stay up till midnight to ring in the new year. Staying up till midnight, what a thrill!!! Then high school, where you were hoping someone would invite you over so you didn't have to spend NYE with your parents, how lame is that? Then college is where it really started to get good!
College live and NYE are notoriously a rocking good time, and the next day...not so fun with that headache and all :) Everyone trying to figure out where the best place would be to ring in the new year? A fraternity house, the local bar, a community event...and it all depended on where you knew that certain someone was planning to go, so you could be there too!!! Then college comes to an end and wedding bells chime, and the beginning of NYE as a married couple.
Now, NYE is almost the same as the college years in the beginning, but instead of wondering who you might want to kiss at midnight...that was set!!! No worries there, and being still young it was all about the party then too! What to wear, and it needed to be dressy, maybe go to a country club party, or an exclusive hotel ballroom party, something more upscale...more sophisticated, or grown up :)
Then babies come along. NYE, who cares, you just want to sleep!!! Especially since you don't get to on a regular basis. You think to yourself, why in the world would anyone want to intentionally stay up late, drink and not feel good in the morning??? Then kids get a little older, and you decide maybe we can let them stay up till midnight, ring in the new year with sparkling grape juice, and they will sleep late tomorrow morning! Yeah right!!! Instead they wake up same old time and are crabby all day long...yet you continue to repeat this every year and take the punishment New Years Day like a trooper. After all, there is nothing sweeter than kissing those sweet little faces when the Ball drops in Time Square, and watching the confetti fall to the streets with noise makers going like wild!
Your kids get older, and now you are worried sick over what they are doing out on NYE, since you still remember what goes on :( You pray for safety, and just hold your breathe until you hear the door open and know they are home safe! By this time, you stay up to watch the ball drop, but it's kind of lost it's luster, and concerned parent paranoia has set in! It is a new year, you are just getting older, and life is going at the rate of a runaway train, and you desperately want it to slow down if not stop!!! How could it be?
Kids are grown and gone! You have grandkids now, and you think you might stay awake to ring in the new year, but fall short by falling asleep on the couch or giving up and just going to bed. Who cares it is a new year, death is at your door...you have a doctors appointment this week, and Wednesday is Senior Citizen discount day at the grocery store, and we might have snow flurries this week.
So this is my humorous look at the evolution of NYE, and well, for the most part, it is pretty true to life like it or not!!! What else can we do but smile and just move on...Happy New Year friends!!! no matter where you may fall in this evolutionary path of New Years Eve :)
