When I am weak, then I am strong...

To be honest, I wasn't planning to write tonight...but I have a few things to get off my chest so to speak.  And let me preface this with the fact that you may feel this is a bit controversial, but I believe what I believe, feel how I feel, and that dictates what I say.  You don't have to feel the same way as me, but keep in mind before you judge, you have probably not walked in my shoes.

I am having a hard time tonight, as I was reading the information on the medication misoprostol I have to take in order to help my body along with the miscarriage.  When the body doesn't recognize the baby is either not formed (as in my case), or the baby has died, it still carries on as if things are fine.  It's called a missed miscarriage, and has happened to me four times now.  Only the original miscarriage was a normal miscarriage...if you can even call a miscarriage normal.  But as I read the information on these pills, I come to find out they are also used in other countries as a means of aborting a perfectly normal live baby.  This somehow has rocked me to my core, because someone has taken this medicine to kill their baby, and I would give anything to be able to use it and give mine life!!! I just don't understand, honestly, I can't imagine in my wildest dreams what goes through a woman's mind.  A miscarriage leaves a hole in your heart, a spot that was meant for loving that baby, and it never gets filled in, EVER!!! It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, and the only thing I truly could think of being worse, is the loss of a child. Now I know this pregnancy never formed a baby per say, but I didn't know that, and still would be thinking everything was okay had I not had the ultrasound already.  But I have had that ultrasound that showed a little heart beating, three other times, and that little heart beat stopped beating.  In my eyes, that is a loss of life, plain and simple.  

And well, I decided...I'm mad about it! I can try and be strong for the sake of my husband, kids, and family...but it really upsets me that I will miss the chance to hold a newborn again, get to hear their first giggle, watch them roll over, sit up, walk, run, go to preschool and school, graduate, get married, have kids of their own...I'm mad, and oh so sad.  And nothing, nothing can change it, that chance is gone forever!  Life is so precious, a miracle, sacred, but I guess not to everyone.  They pick and choose whose life is and whose isn't.  I thought that was God's job.  And I know He chose this time for me, and well, I'm a little mad at Him too!  I have a right to be, but what I know is in my weakness, He is strong. And here is the news flash of the day, I am feeling a little weak over this.  So just in case He reads my blog too, I'm ready for Him to show up and be strong.  Moving on, but I'm not a happy camper tonight!

⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast ^[b]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with ^[c]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9 New American Standard Bible (NASB)