Oh great God, are you small enough?

So...the news at the Obgyn today wasn't the greatest. As a matter of fact, it stunk!!! There was a pregnancy, but the baby never formed.  Not the first time for this if you read the previous post about my story.  I figured when the doctor began the ultrasound and said in a small voice, "well, there is a pregnancy." "But I do not see a baby yet, are you sure of your dates?"  I can not tell a lie, my heart sank to the depths of my being.  I was trying to be hopeful, but my heart was still guarded for the just in case, which happens to me quite often. However, the hardest part by far, was having to tell my sweet daughter there was no baby, and watching the tears roll down her face as her heart broke over the news.

It is one thing to feel hurt yourself, but when you watch your child hurting...it certainly brings on a whole new level of hurt.  She was so hoping for a girl, and would have been happy with a boy too.  She always wanted more brothers and sisters...just not that easy in this house though.  I wanted a healthy baby first, then maybe a sister for her!  But life just isn't going to work that way this time around.  And my husband plays tough but I know he is feeling the sadness too!  What gives it away with him?  Let's see, some red wine, and a half bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips I suppose is what helps him drown his sorrows.  And of course Luke doesn't have a clue, which is a blessing!  The grandparents are sad, and the rest of our family and friends join in with our heartbreak today.  Now to figure out what happens next, and the surgical procedure that must take place to help my body along with making things right again.

So, I won't go on with the gloom and doom, but will accept all prayers for myself and my family.  But I will look to God for peace, and will continue to stand firm on my faith!  I know some of you may not understand, but sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Trust me, I know, this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to having something bad happen, even though I do all I can do to be "good."  I will choose to be positive, enjoy the two beautiful miracle children I have to hold in my arms, and know tonight my God will surely be small enough to hear my cry and hold me in His arms.  I will rest in Him alone, for His ways are perfect...I don't understand now, but one day it will be completely clear.  My prayer is God will use me as a light that shines brightly despite my circumstances.  I will just move on...and skip the smiling part for today.