Parenting...Most Important, yet Most Difficult!!

If there is one thing for certain in life...being a parent is by far the most difficult task we are challenged with in my opinion.  And not only is it the most difficult, but it is also the single most important job in the world without pay and no guaranteed return on investment.  I would laugh, but to tell you the truth, it is just not funny because it is so important and stressful from the time they are born until well...you die.  Not to sound so morbid on my first blog in a month, but I have been knee deep in parenting, and holy WOW...it is nonstop, high speed, no breaks, and stress to the nth degree!

But hey, at least I know for a fact I am not alone.  The problems are often vastly different depending on age and the issues at hand.  Difficulty of the parenting problems often slide on a scale of slight irritation to OMG I might as well toss myself off the bridge!  What I have determined is we, as parents, are all in the thick of it everyday, but the severity rolls up and down like a roller coaster without that final air brake sound which signifies the ride is over.  Sometimes it is fun, and we are laughing like a wild hyena with a huge smile on our faces...then a few short seconds later we are screaming at the top of our lungs in fear, horror and dismay as we free fall down the steepest hill only to go back up another and then WHOOSH, down again before even the chance to catch our breath!  Oh, you already know it, parenting...we love our kids to death, and want to ship them off to boarding school all within the same hour!!!  And what about self doubt, regrets and the famous line, "if only I'd have known..."?

We all face different "stuff" for lack of better terms as parents.  Some endure physical limitations for their children which can entail a lifetime of special care around the clock.  Other parents travel down the path of learning or processing disorders, autistic spectrum, mental illness, emotional distress due to abuse or trauma of some sort and the list could go on and on.  Then we have the more common issues like attitude, sassy mouth, defiance, promiscuity, alcohol or drug usage, threatening to run away, which can heap on top of some of the above mentioned issues.  You get the point, parenting is SO difficult, we have no manual with clear cut do this if...or don't do this if...or press reset should X,Y or Z happens... We constantly are second guessing every decision we make from which daycare center to what college, and a whole mess of every day fly by the seat of your pants decisions we make off the cuff.  Why in the world did we get into this parenting business in the first place?

WE LOVE OUR KIDS!!! I suppose if we didn't love them so much we wouldn't care if we were doing it correctly or not.  Love, the positive four letter word, not the ones we mumble under our breath when things don't go quite as we had planned it as a parent.  We all make mistakes as parents, our parents did, we will, and our kids will one day make mistakes as parents of our grand kids!!! Parenting a newborn who doesn't sleep and screams 24/7 leaves you feeling helpless, but so does parenting a teenager who can't see the boy she throws herself all over has no respect for her, and the parent who watches their adult son throw his career and family aside due to addiction.  Parenting never gets easier is what I have decided...only different! What else can you do once you have taken the plunge and become a parent? You can't give them back or walk away...parental hearts don't work that way.  We love them, support them, train them as best we know how, pray really REALLY hard, then smile and just move on :)

Struggling with Struggling :(

Please tell me I am not the only one who struggles with struggling? I know that sounds silly, but it's so true! The more I struggle, the more I stress about the fact that I'm struggling...thus creating a vicious circle of day in, day out internal conflict within myself.  I like to be the do all, be all, help all kind of gal, but often here lately I find myself wanting keep up or to do so much more, yet falling short in all categories.  I try to be content, I want to be content, I long to be content in all things...but yet I still struggle! I struggle with motivation, feelings of self doubt, and purpose; but this is where in the problem lies.  Is it the self doubt what causes the lack of motivation and thus lack of purpose? Could it be depression that causes lack of motivation and leads to self doubt and no purpose? I can admit, I don't have the answer :( But I can assure you, if you have these same struggles you are not alone.  I have headache issues which last for days and weeks on end which simply compound my struggles even further :(

What I have found to be true in my own life is I do well for a while, then either circumstances or often the great unknown causes me to fall into a funk.  I am not sure how else to put words to how I feel.  I know there are more people with WAY bigger problems than myself, and yet I still struggle.  Then I feel guilty for struggling, and it just slides down hill from there.  I have friends who are battling cancer, troubled teenagers, divorce, financial strife, the list goes on and on...which makes me feel even worse about my struggles over little of nothing in the grand scheme of things.  I can honestly say there isn't much I want or need beyond what I am already fortunate enough to already have.  I have a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a husband who is an amazing provider and allows me to be a stay at home Mom for our kids, and yet some days I just feel blah!  WHY??? Is it because I can? Am I putting too much emphasis on the what if of external things, instead of just enjoying this time of just being?  Is it possible I am so content I just don't recognize it as such? When do we draw the line of feeling a sense of accomplishment verses trying to be more and more?  Lots of questions to which I honestly don't have the answers to today.  How come I can't just crawl into bed satisfied with what I did today, instead of feeling the weight of what I didn't do?  I just hope I'm not alone on all of this...Could it be the pressures of society to do it, be it, live it all the time 24/7?

I am wondering if I should just try focusing on what positives I accomplished each day, as opposed to what I didn't do, and feed upon the good it might just turn my struggles into triumph?!  My crazy friend I love told me today she has been holding her own "Smile-a-thon" several times a day.  She read if you force yourself to smile, and I mean smile hard till your cheeks hurt for 2 minutes, it will cause your mood to switch by releasing endorphins leaving you in a more positive/happy state of mind.  She contends she ends up laughing at the end of it every single time.  Worth a try I suppose.  I told her I don't need to do the "smile-a-thon" thing because I get to talk to her and everyone in my family knows if I am on the phone and laughing out loud I am talking to her.  She is my laugh-a-thon, and for her I am grateful!!! I think she is giving the term "Smile and Just Move On" a new meaning with her "Smile-a-thon's"!!! Let's all give it a try, and instead of looking down at ourselves for what we didn't get done, just smile away at what we did get done today...stop the struggling because we are struggling!!!  oxox to y'all!!!

Are you still that girl or boy?

I don't know about you, but when I was a girl I thought I was going to change the world.  I wasn't sure how, or with what for that matter, but I was going to make a difference.  Then life has a way of sucking all of that positive energy and ambition right out of you like a powerful vacuum.  Things happen, life happens, bad things happen which we don't understand or deserve, and all of the sudden we just feel blah, and life takes the wind out of our sails.  When we are young and innocent life seems so exciting, and then we  become adults and we change :( Does it really have to be that way?

I have recently realized the answer is no, but it is merely a conscientious choice to still strive to not just be, but be all you can be; and what a different those two are in life.  It is easy to just be...live a life of complacency, a life of just going through the motions each day.  But what if, just what if we lived as an adult with the mentality we had as a kid to be so much more, to make a difference by not letting the hardship of life taint our spirit of tenacity?  After all, as the song above states, we are still that girl or boy deep down inside.  We just allowed life to steer us off track.  Instead of living a life of wishing, wanting, desiring more...why not do all you can to make your dreams and aspirations come true?  Will it take a little research, work, and persistence?  You bet ya it will! But won't it be worth it? You already know it!!! And keep in mind everyone's dreams and desires could be the same or completely different.  Don't impose your dreams onto someone else, and in turn they shouldn't try to change yours.  I believe we are all born for a distinct purpose, in a specific time and place, and we live life feeling unfulfilled because we simply settle.  Thus we feel incomplete, insignificant, and defeated while life marches on.  I don't know about you, but I want to have no regrets as I breathe my last breath.  I want to feel like I fulfilled my purpose, made my mark as I was destined to do, and well to be honest, wasn't lazy or too scared to try!  Does this mean I will succeed?  Not necessarily, but at least I will be able to say I tried.  And at that point, I will be able to smile and just move on knowing I didn't just settle :)

Love Must Believe You Are Worth It

We live in a society where we are constantly either measured by others and their standards, or we are measuring ourselves to standards which are unrealistic and often unattainable. We often find ourselves wishing we could be someone else, rather than just being content with who we are and how God made us.  In other words, we struggle with loving ourselves.  We are all guilty in some shape or fashion...whether it be physically, intellectually, emotionally, financially or any other attribute which we may be falling short in comparison to those we know personally or those we only see on the big screen or television.  WHY? Why do we sell ourselves short, and struggle with loving ourselves for who we are just as we are.  We all have shortcomings; and we all have faults...yes even those we want to be more like or wish we were.  We are all special in our own way, and loved by those around us...but most importantly by a loving Father in heaven.

But this drives me to my next thought, which might just come across once again controversial, but you know me and that's just how I roll.  I may not be right, but it is a possibility even if people don't want to admit it to themselves.  I wonder as we have just celebrated Easter, which embodies the death, burial, and most importantly the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, that those who choose not to believe in God or Jesus just can't fathom that someone could possibly love them that much to die for them? And I can admit, it is often very difficult for me to understand and comprehend.  I would die for my family, but total strangers...I don't know :/  Or is it the idea that there is something greater which we can't see, touch, smell or hear; and yet is beginning and end, has the ability to control everything we can and can't, or is it simply a lack of self worth?  I realize I may take some heat from this, but I just felt like I would throw it out there.  It's hard to believe God can still love the killer, love the rapist, love the druggie, love the abuser, love the thief, love the pedophile, or love the sinner like me.  We all are sinners, we all make mistakes...some of us a little or a lot bigger than others; but sin is sin in the eyes of God.  But yet He still thinks we are worth it! And how do I know?  I believe He allowed His Son, the Son of God, to be crucified for my sins, your sins, and every one's sins or wrongdoings from the beginning of time till the last person breathes their last breath! Now this is where the REAL love comes into play, so let me explain a little further.

You know how bad you feel when you do something you know you shouldn't have done...or lets say think of the worst thing, or top ten bad mistakes you have ever done wrong in your life which not only hurt you but those around you.  Now, I will go out on a limb and assume most of us haven't done much in the way of killing, abusing kids, or some of the other top sins when we categorize them, but many many people have over the course of the last however many thousands of years.  Now tally up as best you can all sins, big or small from EVERYONE who has ever lived so far...now add those who are yet to live with their sins big or small.  Now remember how you felt just reliving your worst sins and how you felt completely heartbroken and hurt, disappointed and completely consumed with self-loathing over your sin.  NOW think how it must have felt for Jesus to take on not just the pain of the physical death itself on a cross after all of the beatings, but to take on the emotional distraughtness of every ones sins from the beginning of time until the end of time!!! Basically incomprehensible to the human mind how that must have felt.  Now...THAT IS LOVE!  And He obviously thought you were worth it! He, Jesus Christ, the Son of God, felt your pain, your sorrow, your unworthiness, and took it on to pay your debt! There is no greater love which will ever be displayed, EVER!  Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself, you are worth it, you are loved, and just as you are.  Stop comparing yourself to others, love yourself...then Smile and just move on because you are worth loving...imperfections and all!

April Fools? Who are you fooling?

Today is April 1st, otherwise known as April fools day!  And after a bit of research on how April fools day began...there are way too differing stories and who knows which, if any, is correct.  I suppose I won't even try to do there today.  Besides I am way too preoccupied with trying to potty train my son! It can be said, I suppose that he played an April fools joke on me without even meaning to do so today.

Yesterday after waiting MONTHS to have him do a #2 on the potty, and after much bribing him with everything from toys, to money, to motorized vehicles...it finally happened.  Needless to say, my daughter, husband and myself acted like complete lunatics once the deed was complete...insane clapping, cheering and over the top positive reinforcement was our plan to keep him motivated to use the potty!!! And as I had promised, after I picked him up from preschool this morning, we proceeded to the Walmart to purchase the firetruck he had been eyeballing for a while.  This firetruck was all he had talked about for weeks now.  The firetruck was purchased, and all was going well today.  He even wore his big boy underpants to school, and after three hours had successfully kept them clean and dry.

We get home, and I run upstairs to make the beds and throw a load of laundry in the wash. As I walk down the hall, I notice the puppy seems to have left his mark on my carpet.  I then get the little green out to treat the pee pee spot on the carpet, put it away and walk downstairs where Luke is happily playing with his new firetruck...with a big old turd in his underpants!!! April fools on me, right?  I bought the firetruck to hold up my promise, and it wasn't even 1/2 hour old, and I was cleaning out his pants.  I wasn't sure if I should laugh, cry or throw up my hands in frustration.  But I suppose parenting can be that way can't it?  We turn our backs for two seconds and all can fall apart!  Of course, did what all frustrated parents would do...threaten to take the firetruck back because he pooped his pants.  Will it work?  Who knows, a girl can hope!  I don't think a day would be complete if I didn't deal with vomit, pee or poop from either my kids or animals.  One day when all is quiet in my house, you know when I'm a hundred and ten years old, and I will remember these days filled with bodily functions of all sorts.  These years are the best and yet the messy ones as well.  What else is there to do but smile and just move on...as they say "poop happens" :)  

Recipe Wednesday...1 Pot Meal Roast Beef and Smashed Potatoes

Pot Roast with Smashed Potatoes

Thanks www.dashrecipes.com for this awesome dinner recipe!! This is a very similar recipe to one we have had in my family passed down.  I love the idea of cooking the meat and potatoes all in one pot, because I love to cook, I love to eat, and I so do NOT love dishes!!! By the way, Dash has some great recipes, so check them out sometime ;) Oh, and one more very important detail, I love the gravy on the potatoes too!!!

Ingredients:

2 Tbsp vegetable or olive oil

1 3½ lb chuck roast

1 medium onion, halved and cut into ¼-inch slices

5 cloves garlic, peeled and smashed slightly

2 lbs small Yukon gold potatoes, scrubbed

2 packets onion soup mix

½ tsp black pepper

2 10¾ oz cans cream of mushroom soup

1 14.5 oz can low sodium beef broth  

½ cup sour cream

 

Directions:

1. If using a Dutch oven, preheat oven to 325°F. In the Dutch oven, heat oil over medium high. Brown the meat, 5 to 7 minutes per side. Add onions; cook for 5 more minutes. Add the garlic; cook for another minute.   

 

2. If using a slow cooker, transfer the meat and onion mixture to it. Add remaining ingredients except sour cream. Cover and set cooker on low heat setting. If using a Dutch oven for the entire time, cover and place in the oven.  

 

3. Cook 4 and a half hours. Remove Dutch oven from oven or turn off the slow cooker. Remove meat; rest on cutting board.

 

4. With a slotted spoon, remove potatoes to a bowl. Add sour cream; smash with a wooden spoon or potato masher. Season with salt and pepper, if desired. And if they are a bit too stiff, you can always add a little splash of milk to thin them a bit.  

5. Slice beef; serve with broth on top and potatoes in a bowl

 

Bad Habits...So hard to break!

Tonight, I thought as I twirled my hair, tickled my hair in my ear and bit the skin on the inside of my jaw...I would tackle a subject which often gets little attention, bad habits. Now, let is all be honest with ourselves, we all have them.  Some are a little more dangerous to our health, some are harmless...but they are all things we wish we didn't do, but can't seem to help ourselves.  I notice as my stress level goes up, my habits increase as well.  Funny thing is, my husband and I have the same habit of shoving the end of our hair under our finger nails.  It gives that sensory input I suppose we need to help soothe our nerves.  If I am super stressed, it might be said I am doing a double twirl, or the double tickle with my hair in my ears.  I know, it's strange...but don't judge.  You know you have those habits too which you can't seem to break.  I have a family member, whom I will leave nameless, that pulls their eyebrow hairs out one at a time until there are virtually any left.  And of course, you have the common ones like biting fingernails, picking your nose, cracking or popping your knuckles and chewing on a pen or pencil.  But why is it so stinking hard to stop this often crazy and bizarre behavior?

If you think about it, I bet you are like me and have had the same habits basically all of your life.  My Mom would tell you when I was a baby, still in my crib, I would pluck the fur off of my stuffed animals and tickle with them.  I guess back then, when I didn't have any hair, I had to sacrifice the fluff off of my stuffed animals...I know pretty funny.  It's okay, you can laugh at me.  I don't care, partly because I am confident in who I am, mostly because the Lord is the One I most worry about impressing, and I know I'm not alone :) But what is the reason we struggle to break them?

Often it is simply a decision to just not give it up at all. Or if you are like me, I just choose to keep the ones which are more harmless than the others.  My husband gives me trouble for biting my jaw, and yes it probably causes me extra unwanted wrinkles on my face...my Mom would tell me it was going to cause cancer, yet the only way I can stop it is if I have a mouth guard in place to prohibit me from biting.  I do it without even realizing it, almost like a compulsive disorder.  I don't really want to do it, it just happens like when I blink my eyes or swallow.  It is hard to stop something you don't even realize you are doing until it is too late.  Then the hair twirling, and tickling are often the habits I can use instead of biting my jaw to soothe myself from stress.  At least they don't cause wrinkles or "cancer" as my Mom would threaten when biting my jaw.  Neither here nor there, habits are hard to break, like it or not.  They are mechanisms which we have acquired to help us cope with the stresses of life.  So the next time you see me twirling my hair, tickling or shoving my hair under my nails...Smile and just move on :) 'Cause chances are, I will be playing with my hair until either I am dead or have no hair which ever comes first!!!

Oh, and one more thing, feel free to tell the world your bad habits in the comments section if you'd like :)

And the Winner Is...

After drawing a name out of a hat from the entries for the digital scrap booking software, and I promise I did it fair and square...Jaclyn Anderson is the winner :) but never fear, I get to give another package away for free in 3 months, so make sure to enter to win again :) have a great weekend everyone!!!

Oh Spring, Wherefore Art Thou?

Oh spring, where are you?  I am so tired of cold weather, and I'm not even in a part of the world that is all "that" cold in comparison.  Mother Nature, didn't you glance at your calendar lately...It is March 22nd, come on with it already!!! And of course, I am NOT ready to wilt with the summer heat either, just want those beautiful spring days with a temperature about 75 degrees, nice breeze, and bright blue sky with big white puffy clouds.  Seriously, is that too much to ask?  I think not.  It took this winter to kick into gear, and now I guess we are paying the price for those nice days in late November!  It didn't even feel like Christmas this year because it was so mild, and now Spring doesn't feel like itself because IT IS COLD!!! I need my flip flops, my t-shirt, my smells of spring.  Now, I realize it is on it's way courtesy of the POLLEN count, and it is doing quite the number on my allergies.  And I assume I am not the lone ranger on this one either.

I have purchased so much Sudafed lately the police are probably going to show up at my door and accuse me of drug manufacturing, LOL! And I am not the only one in my house suffering.  My kids are too, so when I go to the pharmacy to purchase their pseudoephedrine, I have to give them my drivers license number.  Then I go to buy mine, and they tell me I am at my limit!  Go figure, do I look like a meth producer? I think NOT!  But I suppose I understand the why behind it, however if people are determined to make that poison, the law is probably not going to stop them unfortunately.  I get up each morning, can't breath out of my nose, and so my mouth is dry and tastes like the cats litter box, or what I imagine it probably taste like :) I try blowing, and blowing, and blowing as my sinuses crackle like a piece of dry wood thrown on the fire. I cough and feel like I have an elephant taking up residency on my chest, as my allergy induced asthma rears it's ugly head.  My Mom likes to compare it to breathing through a towel, and all of the sudden breathing is something you actually notice taking place, where it once was just naturally occurring without you thinking about it at all.  I take my allergy pills like clockwork, yet as the pine trees do their thing, my poor little immune system goes into overdrive and I feel like someone drained my energy right out of my big toes.  Tis the season, I just wish it was actually accompanied by nice weather this year.  If I'm gonna suffer, might as well be with mild temps!!

I am sure I am not alone in dreaming of springlike temperatures, allergy season slipping by without my body noticing the pollen counts are on the rise, and moving closer to boating, golfing, swimming, and enjoying a casual drink on my deck season.  But, it is just a part of life and we will all have to be patient whether we want to or not.  Mother Nature doesn't really care about my opinion on her timing, so I guess I will smile and just move on :) It can't last forever, right?

Oh, and one last thing, today is your last chance to enter the digital software give-away for scrapbooking with your digital pictures at www.mymemories.com.  You must enter your name on the post from this past Monday in the comment section by 5pm TODAY!! Right now only four people are signed up, so they have pretty good odds, unless you, yes you, get on the ball and enter!  I will take all entries and in a very high-tech way (not) write their names on little pieces of paper, then draw one out of the hat!  Announcing the winner at 7PM tonight :)

21 of my Favorite Things on this 21st of March :)

I should preface this list is just that, things, and are in a very random order, and by no means listed from least to best or vice versa, and excludes people!  Here goes...and how many of mine are on your list too?  Write your name and how many of your fav's are on my list, just for fun of course!!!

1. Clean sheets
2. A new toothbrush
3. Puppy breath
4. A new box of Crayola Crayons
5. Pink Lemonade Cake
6. Hearing the words, "I love you"
7. A unexpected gift or flowers
8. Sun on my face, and sand on my feet
9. The morning I leave for vacation
10. Good music
11. Waking up to inches of snow on the ground
12. Comfy shoes 
13. Wearing my pajamas all day
14. Biscuits and gravy 
15. Double rainbow after a storm
16. Taking a nap just because you can
17. Answered prayers
18. New haircut 
19. Brownie Sundae
20. Wind in my face on a boat ride
21. Getting a hug just when you need it most

It's Recipe Wednesday, back in action...

Recipe Wednesday, the day I designed to post a new recipe, or an old recipe I just ran across again.  Geeze, life is complicated, full of distractions and craziness, but I think I am back on track with this blog :)  Also, I will be launching a Smile and Just Move On Facebook page so make sure you LIKE and share with your friends, PLEASE (in a pretty please with sugar on top kind of voice)!! Also, don't forget to sign up to win the digital scrapbooking software which will be given away THIS FRIDAY to one lucky winner.  Leave your name in the comments of yesterdays post to be entered.  Remember, this could be given away as a gift if you didn't need it yourself.  See previous post for information...

 So, spring is here and what better to kick off spring, but a SPRING SALAD!!! Enjoy peeps :)

Ingredients 

12 slices bacon

• 2 heads fresh broccoli, florets only
• 1 cup chopped celery
• 1/2 cup chopped green onions
• 1 cup seedless green grapes
• 1 cup seedless red grapes

• 1/2 cup raisins
• 1/2 cup blanched slivered almonds
• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
• 1/4 cup white sugar

1. Place bacon in a large, deep skillet. Cook over medium high heat until evenly brown. Drain, crumble and set aside.
2. In a large salad bowl, toss together the bacon, broccoli, celery, green onions, green grapes, red grapes, raisins and almonds.
3. Whisk together the mayonnaise, vinegar and sugar. Pour dressing over salad and toss to coat. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

Let's try this again, Scrapbook software give away FREE

Okay, so I tried this before and had two wonderful people comment to be entered into the drawing for free software. And not to discount the efforts of these two fine ladies, but two people just don't feel like a contest to me...  Are y'all telling me only two people out of all of you that read this blog like to get something for FREE?? I don't buy it!! I decided maybe I didn't explain it very well, or made the entering too hard?  I would like to give it another go, and I already have the free code for the software stored on my computer and ready to GIVE FREE to someone!!! So, come on people, could you at least make it a little more exciting to give away 40.00 worth of digital software from My Memories PLEASE.  And keep in mind, I am the one who chooses the winner, not the company. You don't have to do anything with them or give them any information unless you are chosen the winner.

First, you will want to check out their site to see if you are interested.  Keep in mind, if you really get into this, you can purchase additional designs, but the original software includes tons of different designs, colors, fonts, and the list goes on and on.  It is easy to use, and you can choose to print your stuff, or just keep it digitally and show people that way too!  The website is http://www.mymemories.com/ so go check it out real quickly and then comment on this blog your name (first and last) and why you would like to win.  Don't be lazy and turn down this opportunity to help simplify your photo keepsakes.

I have shown you two pages from my book I am making (slowly I might add, due to major sickness and allergy attacks that have hit my home lately).  It never hurts to try winning now does it?  Remember, it is FREE!!! I love free stuff, who doesn't?  Go for it, comment below to enter the contest! Only one lucky winner, and for the love of Pete, let the contest consist of more than TWO people.  I know you all take pictures with your camera, or if you are like me, most are with my phone.  They are all just sitting there waiting to make something beautiful, right?  Just do it!!! NOW!!! sign up!!! and if you win you will be smiling, and if not you can always take advantage of my coupon code out to the right to get 10.00 off the software and 10.00 coupon to spend in the on-line store for extra designs if you want them.  Go for it!!!

A New Appreciation for Living

Funny how when life moves along and nothing major is going on, we kind of sail along and don't think too much about it.  This is when all of the sudden the little things seem huge, and we often get bogged down with worry and stress over "stuff" that in the long run really doesn't matter much.  Why can't we just be glad all is well, and not search high and low for something to complain about?  Of course, this is not my case, as most often something is going on at my house, but then again with a busy husband, two kids, two dogs, and a cat...someone is always causing a ruckus. Either the cat coughed up a hairball, the dog peed on the carpet, my son is shooting snot rockets out his nose, my daughter is late for dinner again, my husband has run out of gas somewhere...you get the point.  Never a dull moment or peace and quiet, that is for certain.  Wonder what it's like to be able to go "potty" by yourself, drink a Coke without having to share, shower at a leisurely pace, or just take a walk without having dogs and kids tagging along?

I have noticed the older people get, the more they worry about things which are small and to be quite honest have no major significance on life in general.  Not that my list above doesn't list things which are smallish, but it is the constant barrage of them coming at you 24/7 which wear you down. .  For instance, once we have retired, have the house and cars paid for, have the children out of the house and on their own, to me...this is a time to kick back and enjoy. But, I believe all the silly worrying is probably because they truly don't have much else to worry with, so in an effort to complain about something...they look for things.  No mortgage to pay, no homework to struggle through, less laundry, less food to prepare, less of everything really.  Why do we as humans find ourselves constantly ill-satisfied no matter how much we have and how easy life is.

Movie stars and the rich and famous are prime examples of this too.  They have every material thing possible at their fingertips, but yet they are often wrapped up in drugs or some other detrimental activities which often land them in deep trouble or even death.  It is so very sad really, and quite a shame.  Instead of celebrating how good we have it, we look to all the negatives in our lives.  Is it merely human nature, or a direct result of the society we live in?  Maybe the cause is unrealistic lifestyles we see exhibited on television or movies?  Most of you, if not all of you who are reading this, are privileged!  You must have a computer, or access to one at least, which means you probably have a house, food, clean water, and all the daily necessities to function...which is more than millions of people in this world right now.  We have much to be thankful for today.  We must renew our appreciation for life, and don't worry with the small stuff going wrong, but harness the sense gratitude toward what we do have.  Life is too short, and we only have one shot at it...don't waste a single moment with negative "stuff".

My puppy, Levi, was very near death just a week and a half ago.  Now, as he lays on a cushy fluffy doggie bed on my office floor with a full belly, I feel certain if he could speak...He would let me know he has a new appreciation for life and all it has to offer.  Don't make life bring you toward death to have appreciation for all life has in store for you.  And when things do happen, big or small, smile and just move on...

The Waiting Room

It is amazing when you stop to think about how often we find ourselves in a waiting room of one kind or another. I wonder how many years of our lives we spend waiting? Maybe in a doctors office or hospital, a line at Wal-Mart or Starbucks, McDonald's drive-thru or airport security, stop light, lunch line, concert line, traffic jam...you get the point! We do a ton of waiting, some of us patiently, and others...well not so much! I always get tickled when the people with the least likely reason to be impatient, are often the most impatient of all.

For instance, I can be standing in line at the grocery store with my phone ringing with a business call, juggling a screaming toddler, and running late for an appointment with a smile and kind words for the cashier; and the old retired lady behind me who has got the sour look on her face, tapping her foot, and has nowhere to go, but get home to watch the Price is Right and pet her cat :)

Let's face it, life is about waiting. We wait to grow up, wait to get married, wait to have kids, wait to retire, wait to have grandkids, then wait to die.  It's just what we do, wait.  But not always patiently, and waiting is often not easy.  I know, I have been there first hand and more than once on BIG issues.  I have been forced to figure out how to wait with a spirit of endurance and patience toward whatever I may be waiting for.  Over the last week, just in case you were wondering or hadn't seen on FB, my new puppy has been very sick and very near death.  Talk about the need for endurance and patience...waiting for the doctors to give me the update, waiting to see if he will improve, waiting to see just how big the vet bill will be...WAITING to pick him up from the hospital so he can be back in my arms.  In the last month or two, I have waited to see if I was buying a house, having a baby, if my husband was having surgery on his Achilles, and waiting to see if my puppy is going to live. That my friends is a lot of waiting on some very important stuff in a very short time frame.  But I had to wait, and it is better for those around me if I remain calm and ride out the waves with a sense of endurance and confidence knowing God is in control.  If not, I would probably have lost my mind.

Life has a way of testing us, our ability to sustain hardship, waiting, and wondering what next?  And in the end, we have two choices really.  We can either let our life and waiting ruin our day, our mood, our relationships with those around us.  Or, we can choose to roll with the punches, take things out of our control in stride, and realize sometimes life just is what it is, things just happen, and we must keep on a going.  Worrying seldom changes a single thing, and often makes us irritable, unhappy, and upset to the point of being sick.  Don't let life and it's trials drag you down, wait patiently, maybe even with a smile, try not to worry, and when life gets really crazy, pray...then smile and just move on :)

And one more thing, my sweet puppy Levi made it through and I need to throw a benefit dinner to pay for his enormous vet bill.  But he is back home barking at the cat, chewing my husbands croc, and sleeping on my couch during the day and snuggled up to me in bed at night :) Patience and perseverance paid off on this one!! Thanks Quail Corner Animal Hospital in Raleigh, NC for saving my sweet furbaby!!

Digital Scrapbooking Software Giveaway

It has been my pleasure to conduct a review of the My Memories suite over the last month, and I would like to share with you my thoughts...followed by the rules for the giveaway, so you can enter to win a completely free  My Memories Scrapbooking Software once the contest ends on Feb. 25th :) Check out their website to see exactly what coolness you have the opportunity to win for FREE!!!

I don't know if you are like me, but my pictures from the last 20 years are in complete disarray.  I have all of my printed, pre-digital pictures in a plastic three drawer tote thingie.  Then all of my digital pictures were in file folders with little rhyme or reason to them.  As I began with this software it was my incentive to get organized enough to begin a project for my husband for Valentine's Day.  I went through my pictures in the tote, pulled out all of those I wanted to incorporate into my project, and began scanning them in.  I also browsed through my digital pics to find just the ones I needed for the surprise book.  I found this to be the hard part of the project, finding and deciding on which pictures to use.  The software was quite easy to work with, and felt it was similar to other popular software in how it works.  PC or Mac users can utilize this wonderful software with ease.  Below you can see a few pages I created for my first project, and I can assure you...it was nice to finally put my pics into something other than a plastic tote!

The software can be as unique to you, or you can choose to use one of the already pre-created templates (which is what I decided to use for my first venture)!  Even if you choose the templates, you can still change the background colors, where the pictures are located, and the wording is whatever you choose!  It is truly a great way to create not only picture albums, but also video movies set to your specific music, unique personalized gifts, and digital or printed books.  It is truly a great way to create one of a kind gifts for others, or even yourself!  My Memories has a ton of Youtube video's to help should you need additional help with using their products, which is very helpful! So, lets move on to the rules of this FREE giveaway, and maybe you will be the winner of this awesome software, and then you can begin your projects for everyone to enjoy! Please be sure to read the rules thoroughly, so you don't forget part of your required answers to enter the contest!





The rules of this giveaway are as follows...And your answers need to be left with your name, first and last, in the comments section attached to this specific blog post.
1. You will need to visit www.mymemories.com website and choose your favorite theme or designer.
2.  Explain the state of your pictures right now, and how this software would help you maintain your pictures and projects.
3. Tell everyone what kind of project you would work on first,and why. (Don't forget your NAME :)
Like them on Facebook for an extra entry into the contest at MyMemories Facebook!


The winner will be announced on February 25, 2013 on the blog post for the day.  Good luck to everyone :) I wish I could give everyone a free copy because it is truly a wonderful product.  But if you are not the winner, I highly recommend you purchase the software.  It is very reasonably priced to begin with, but if you use my code of STMMMS81275 you will receive $10.00 off the price of the software plus a $10 coupon for the MyMemories.com store - a $20 value!  

Let the contest begin!!!

It's Valentine's Day!!! Cook up some easy, yummy, and healthy Salmon!

The big lovie, kissie, huggie, smooching day is finally here!  The day loved and hated by millions all around the world.  Restaurants will be packed, along with card and flower isles in grocery stores all across the country.  But might I suggest if eating out is either too costly or logistically difficult due to kids and schedules...you try this oven baked salmon for a nice and healthy treat for those you love :)  I can honestly say I made this for my family on Monday night, completely made it up...but it was a WOW for everyone at the table, and even surprised me too!  I am sure it could be cooked differently with about the same outcome, but I will tell you exactly what I did just to be sure I don't cause lack of information to ruin your special dinner plans.  Best news of all, it was quite easy, and the ingredients are probably all in your spice drawer other than a few.  Nothing worse than trying a new recipe and having to hunt all over the store for specific ingredients that end up only being used once!  I should have taken a picture of the salmon, but it was eaten up quite quickly and I am sorry to say, no picture of it exists.  But if you make it, take a picture, so I can post it here with the recipe.  You can email it to me at julietannamcdonald@gmail.com. Salmon can be served with rice, mashed potatoes, or baked potatoes...and the veggies of your choice :)

So, Happy Valentine's Day to everyone out there, and look for the contest and give away for the first product to begin tomorrow:)

Baked Buttery and Dill Salmon
 by Julie McDonald

Deboned Salmon fillets with skin on the bottom (I got 6oz serving sized fillets, one for each person)
1/2 stick of melted butter
1/4 to 1/2 tsp onion salt
pinch of pepper
1/4 tsp Cajun spice
1/2 to 1 tsp Rinaldo's organic Garlic Gold Nuggets (these are also great on fresh sliced tomatoes)
package of fresh Dill Weed (not the dried kind) it will be in the produce section probably hanging up in a small clear container

• Rinse and pat salmon dry and place in an aluminum foil lined baking dish with a little bit of olive oil in the bottom (I used a Pampered Chef baking stone) with the skin side down.
• Drizzle 3/4 of the melted butter on salmon
• Sprinkle with onion salt, pepper, cajun spice, and garlic nuggets
• Lay washed fresh dill weed sprigs on top of each piece of salmon
• Cover with aluminum foil and bake in preheated oven at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.
• Uncover and place back in oven at 380 degrees for an additional 10-15 minutes until salmon is flaky when touched with fork and looks light pink (do not over cook, and keep in mind it will continue to cook a bit more once removed from the oven)
• Snip remaining dill weed foliage (no stems) into remaining melted butter, stir up and dollop on top of salmon once served onto plate.  Butter may have thickened, but will remelt on warm salmon with no problem

We all decided this should be a once a week meal for the family as getting in the Omega's is challenging, and this is quick and the clean up is so easy, just remove the foil, throw away the skin and rinse, then recycle that foil please!!!

What a feeling!!!

Something I have learned in my forty one years so far, is life is way too short, and goes way too fast!  Why in the world do people have dreams in which they don't try to achieve? And I believe some people don't even realize what their dreams or desires are for themselves...which is strange when you think about it, but oh so true.  Somehow we seem to let life get in the way and we fail to see what we were meant to do, to be, to make our mark on this world. Does it mean we aren't good at other stuff? other professions? No, but just because you are good at something doesn't mean you are fulfilling your purpose.  Have I confused you yet?  Let me give an example using my own life, and the evolution of figuring out my dreams I now dare to dream.

From the time I was about three until I reached college age, I was always in the spotlight.  Whether it was a dance recital, singing a solo, or cheering for a game...I was in front of a group of people in some way or another.  Once in college, it was just survival mode and get that degree!  I always loved to write poetry, and was decent at writing papers for school, but never ever thought of being a writer.  After college I married Bill, and I was already working at UPS in some administrative job or another for eleven years.  We began our own business in the fitness industry and I took up personal training and group fitness instruction (back in front of a group of people again).  Leaving the fitness industry I found myself in the gymnasium of a school teaching PE, where once again I was in front of  class after class. Progressing from the gym to the classroom, I taught other subjects, and the ability to speak and teach came very naturally.  I left the classroom to be a Mom again, and although I love being a Mommy and the ability to stay home with my kids...something was missing in my life. I started a blog, but felt inadequate, and with a little baby...it was difficult to just take a shower, much less write anything worthy of anyone reading. I felt glad to be able to stay home, but sad and depressed all at the same time.

It was then that I mentioned to my friend I always wanted to write a book.  She said, well then write one!  So I did!  I sat down and wrote a children's book in one afternoon.  It was rough of course, but it was a book!  I then realized I needed to write all the time, and took back up blogging, continued to write children's books, and reading on becoming a writer.  Funny enough, the more I read about being a writer, the more I realized I WAS a writer all along, I just didn't know it exactly.  Weird EH?  And this crazy thing happened, the more I wrote, the happier I became.  As a blogger, guess what?  I'm back in front of people, so to speak.  Not physically, but as a person I am.  It is what I was born to do, and what a feeling it is!  When you finally figure out what you were truly born to do, it is a feeling like no other.  Of course, I was also born to be a wife, mother, daughter, and so on...but for me, figuring out I'm a writer was a long but worthwhile process. And I am very thankful my husband, family, and friends are so supportive of my budding writing career.

But I must admit, some days I feel like I'm writing for my life, rather than dancing like in the video...it makes me feel alive!  So the big question you know I'm going to ask is...What makes you feel alive!? Come alive? Something you feel compelled to do?  Something you always wanted to do but didn't for whatever reason?  What is holding you back? Often we must go the long way around to get to the good stuff in life.  I have been an administrative assistant, personal trainer, school teacher, and a few other things I didn't bother to mention, plus a wife and mom before I realized I was a writer all along.  Stop and think about it for a while, meditate on it, pray about it, take your time to internalize the questions I raised today.  Jot some things down, mention it to your friends or spouse, and see what they say about it.  Let me encourage you to just actually do it...because once you know, that you know, that you know...you can't help but smile and just move on doing what you were born to do all along!

Getting back to Normal...If you want to call it that

Holy cow, and wowzers!!! It has been quite a crazy roller coaster ride over the last few months in my life.  And I am one of those that kind of likes boring and predictability, so I am glad to finally breath a sigh of relief and get back to my normal.  Of course, my boring is probably far from to some people, but for me, a regular routine is comforting.  I always loved summer break as a child, but as the school year drew closer, I was ready for the routine of school.  I suppose I am no different as an adult, and with the holidays behind me...as well as a pregnancy, miscarriage, move, and my hubby with a torn Achilles tendon, I'm ready for a little blah in my life.  Well, at least for a while until I'm ready for a bit of excitement.  I saw this cartoon on FB yesterday, and decided that is just about exactly how to sum me up.  I have been overwhelmed with all the who haa lately, and now I'm settling in for the normal cooking, cleaning, taxi to dance and preschool, and writing of course.

We still have the potential of a surgery for Bill's tendon, but haven't decided to go the surgical route verses the "let it heal on its own" risk.  Sad to say, but the cost of the surgery is what is holding us back on making that appointment to have it fixed once and for all. Since we have a high deductible, to the tune of $10,000.00 before they even pay a dime, it is a hard decision to make.  I certainly wish it didn't have to be like that, and it certainly wasn't that way a few years ago, but we simply can't afford health insurance these days without taking the risk of a high deductible.  Whether it was caused by Obamacare or not, I don't know, all I do know is we are struggling more and more to pay for medical care.  We are caught between a rock and a hard place since we make too much per year to receive assistance, but it is hard to make payments on the insurance itself monthly as well as payments of doctor and hospital bills.  One thing I am sure we can all agree on, the healthcare system is BROKEN!!! And I am starting to believe it will be nothing short of a miracle to fix it!

Now on to the good and exciting stuff!!! I am going to be giving away some things here on the blog over the next several weeks.  I am in the process of setting it all up, but make sure you are paying attention, so you don't miss out on your chance to possibly win a little something.  Okay, I know, the suspense of what it is...I will give you a few hints. First one is going to be something to help organize, and the second is to help with a newer better you.  I will be trying these products as well to give you my honest opinion as well.  And my office is just about set up, so I am back in the saddle and excited to get back to the recipe Wednesday and yes, back to normal.  I am smiling and just moving on :)

The unexpected gift :)

There often comes a time when we have people enter our lives quite unexpected, but it is clearly by a higher design.  When you know in your heart and soul that it was not by accident at all, but rather a God incident.  I had the privilege of such an instance during my hectic and completely crazy move.  Even though it was only a move next door, both homes needed a good thorough cleaning (spring cleaning before spring).  It is always much easier to clean a house when there isn't anything in it.  So, before I moved into my new home and to help out my tired and pregnant neighbor, so she didn't have to worry with it; I had the house professionally cleaned.  I also scheduled the cleaning service to clean the old house once we had everything out and into the new house.  The company I used came highly recommended by my other neighbor, which gave me comfort in knowing the job would be completed properly.  What I did not expect is the company to consist of an amazing woman, along with her very helpful older children.  They were quite a team, and worked on my difficult and crazy schedule, which included a Thursday night (late) and a Sunday afternoon.  They did a fantastic job of cleaning both houses, and went above and beyond to make sure I was satisfied.  There was no rushing the job just to get paid, but pure commitment to a job well done.  But this was just part of the gift, there is more.

The daughter is a beautiful sixteen year old with creamy velvet skin and long dark hair.  And sweet, oh my, sweet as honey straight from the bee's hive!!! My Luke is totally in love with her and cried when she had to leave. But it seems she has a few physical challenges going on which is causing her to struggle with such simple things as washing her own hair.  She has a cyst or something (Doctors can't seem to figure out what is wrong) on her spine and it often causes terrible headaches.  She has had test after test, with little in the way of a diagnosis, much less a cure. I have been compelled to pray for her, over her, and post this blog to help she and her family out.  Her medical bills are, I'm sure, beginning to pile up as it seems the insurance just doesn't pay much for all we pay them each month.  This is the crux of my gift, I am asking everyone to please pray for her specifically that the doctors will figure out what is wrong, so it can be addressed. Pray for total healing that only the Father can provide. Secondly, that her Mom's business would flourish beyond any expectations.  And thirdly, she would be shown favor when the medical bills came in and most of it would be taken care of financially. And if you would join me in praying for these things listed above for the Ferrell Family, or consider using the top notch A & A Cleaning Services in Raleigh, NC area by calling Joanna Ferrell at (919) 812-0117, you can help me with the unexpected gift.

Yes, the gift was not mine to receive, but rather to give.  I did get two very clean houses, but even better was the ability to pray for and hopefully help a very sweet family and an angel of a daughter.  Life is often about not just who we come in contact with, but more importantly what we do with that encounter, thus how we can make a difference!  I love having the opportunity and ability to help others, and I can't imagine coming to know and befriend this family and not doing my part to help them!  Please lift Alyssa up in prayer, and also be a giver of the unexpected gift.  I am sure you will be like me and enjoy the smile as you move on about your day knowing you gave a gift to an unsuspecting precious girl!!!

Moving complete, Unpacking...not so much

It's official! We have completed the move and are functioning.  My garage looks like the stuff-mart threw up in it, but other than that, not so bad.  It was a VERY long four days of moving, carrying, putting away, throwing out, and trying to find this, that, or something else I knew I had but didn't know where it was.  My kitchen has never been more organized thanks to my helper Carol and my Mom :) I even have three, yes three drawers empty...for now that is.  I am certain I will figure out something to fill them with once the garage is complete, which will not be anytime soon.  Moving is both scary and exciting all at one time.  As I have spoken about before, we are all creatures of habit and when our surrounding change, our habits are forced to change, and often leaves us a little unsettled.  My little guy is having a bit of a hard time adjusting to the new surroundings.  It has nothing to do with the house itself, but rather just not what he is used to.  I think the fact that we moved next door, and he can see the old house is potentially part of the problem.  He keeps saying he wants to go home to the red house (our house had a red door).  We keep telling him we live here now, and all of our stuff is here...but even though I have shown him the old house is empty, he still thinks something is there maybe.  Hard to tell what is going on in the mind of a two and a half year old, but I'm sure it will just take a bit of time.

What I am excited to say is this move allowed me to meet some great new people who helped along the way.  My carpet cleaners Chem Dry of Raleigh were completely and totally amazing.  Their products are eco-friendly and the carpets were dry in a matter of a few hours, and most all the stains came right up.  My movers where troopers to say the least.  I seriously don't know how those three men even could pull themselves out of bed the next morning.  They moved a rather large amount of very heavy furniture in break neck speed, not without a sweat, but my back hurt just watching.  The bug man who per my lease agreement had to spray for fleas at the old house, (fleas that did not exist), was so funny and extremely flexible with my crazy schedule.  Gary's Pest Control is the company name out of Wake Forest, NC and he was a pleasure to work with.  And lastly, the cleaning service which helped me clean my new home first, then cleaned my old house once we had everything out was a the best part.  But I would like to wait and share that story tomorrow, as it deserves a day all on its own.  God has a way of putting certain people in our paths, at a certain time, for a particular reason, and well, this is for sure one of those times.  How do I know?  I can feel it in my heart, in my soul, and it makes me feel special to know God is about to do something :)

So, here is sit, in my new home, in my new room we had painted a beautiful soothing shade of olive green, and oh my goodness, how could I have forgotten my painters!!! Oscar and his two sidekicks, painted a kitchen, living room, powder room, office, two kids rooms and their bathroom, the master bedroom and master bath in record speed.  They did a stunning job, and they also painted trim as well.  What they accomplished in two days would have seriously taken me two solid weeks and many trips to the chiropractor!  And the price, so reasonable we almost felt guilty!  Life is settling down a bit, getting closer to our new normal, and other than my husband tearing his Achilles tendon and probably needing surgery...I pray for a time of calmness, productivity, and un-eventfulness ahead.  There is much to be said for the ho-hum life, and I am certainly ready for a dose of it.  But either way I suppose I will smile and just move on :)

It's the final countdown...

First off let me say...if you want cheap entertainment look at all the crazy people who have posted videos for the final countdown song by Europe!  My daughter asked me what in the world I was listening to, and holy cow, there is a band on YouTube singing this song called worst cover ever that I think made my ears bleed!!! How someone could get up on a stage in front of people and sing that terribly is well...beyond all comprehension or maybe they are tone deaf and think they rock!!! Anyway, they are not the only entertaining video, this guy was playing so very weird instrument with a kazoo on the end and a little keyboard along with a guitar section...need I say more.  And on to the final countdown!!!

Moving day is here, well almost!  Thursday is the big closing and then it is serious go time.  I am already worn out from just all of the logistics to move utilities and Internet.  If I could have stood on the desk of Time Warner Cable's CEO today, I would have.  I was so mad, and after asking to speak to a supervisor I hopefully have it all sorted out.  But I won't hold my breath, as it all has to actually be executed in the time frame we discussed before it will restore even a tiny bit of customer satisfaction from this gal!  Seven different people spanning over three days, and a total of about three hours total of talking and waiting on hold.  Ridiculous for cancelling my cable and phone, and transferring my Internet to my new house.  They are very lucky I have no other choice in this area or I would have told them where to put their Internet service :)

Now packing, that is another situation.  I don't know if I mentioned before but we are moving next door.  I always used to think it was so weird when people would buy another house, but on the same street, and now I am one of them.  In a nutshell, we moved to North Carolina in a rush, thus not having time to find the "right and perfect" house for us.  We decided to rent in the neighborhood in which we thought we wanted to live, just to make sure it was right for us.  And we decided with a unanimous YES, and when our neighbor/friend put their house for sale, well the rest is history, so they say. The hard part is deciding how in the world you pack to move next door.  I don't want to wrap up all of my dished and things, that would just waste a bunch of paper.  I am going to try loading them right off the shelf into a tote, then unloading them right onto the shelf where they go.  Now, this is probably the least prepared for a move I have even been. But I have been limited to how much I could do lately.  I was told to come off of the Heparin injections due to the miscarriage. But since I already have a risk of blood clotting, I don't have time to be dealing with that now, or ever for that matter!  In other words, I have been careful and way less productive.  What else can a girl do who has all this going on at one time?  You already know what I'm going to say, EH? Smile and just move on :)

When I am weak, then I am strong...

To be honest, I wasn't planning to write tonight...but I have a few things to get off my chest so to speak.  And let me preface this with the fact that you may feel this is a bit controversial, but I believe what I believe, feel how I feel, and that dictates what I say.  You don't have to feel the same way as me, but keep in mind before you judge, you have probably not walked in my shoes.

I am having a hard time tonight, as I was reading the information on the medication misoprostol I have to take in order to help my body along with the miscarriage.  When the body doesn't recognize the baby is either not formed (as in my case), or the baby has died, it still carries on as if things are fine.  It's called a missed miscarriage, and has happened to me four times now.  Only the original miscarriage was a normal miscarriage...if you can even call a miscarriage normal.  But as I read the information on these pills, I come to find out they are also used in other countries as a means of aborting a perfectly normal live baby.  This somehow has rocked me to my core, because someone has taken this medicine to kill their baby, and I would give anything to be able to use it and give mine life!!! I just don't understand, honestly, I can't imagine in my wildest dreams what goes through a woman's mind.  A miscarriage leaves a hole in your heart, a spot that was meant for loving that baby, and it never gets filled in, EVER!!! It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy, and the only thing I truly could think of being worse, is the loss of a child. Now I know this pregnancy never formed a baby per say, but I didn't know that, and still would be thinking everything was okay had I not had the ultrasound already.  But I have had that ultrasound that showed a little heart beating, three other times, and that little heart beat stopped beating.  In my eyes, that is a loss of life, plain and simple.  

And well, I decided...I'm mad about it! I can try and be strong for the sake of my husband, kids, and family...but it really upsets me that I will miss the chance to hold a newborn again, get to hear their first giggle, watch them roll over, sit up, walk, run, go to preschool and school, graduate, get married, have kids of their own...I'm mad, and oh so sad.  And nothing, nothing can change it, that chance is gone forever!  Life is so precious, a miracle, sacred, but I guess not to everyone.  They pick and choose whose life is and whose isn't.  I thought that was God's job.  And I know He chose this time for me, and well, I'm a little mad at Him too!  I have a right to be, but what I know is in my weakness, He is strong. And here is the news flash of the day, I am feeling a little weak over this.  So just in case He reads my blog too, I'm ready for Him to show up and be strong.  Moving on, but I'm not a happy camper tonight!

⁹ And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast ^[b]about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with ^[c]insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9 New American Standard Bible (NASB)

List of top 11 reasons to stay positive in spite of things...

1. I don't have to gain weight just to turn around and struggle to lose it again.
2. Can stop the 2x a day Heparin injections in my stomach that leave terrible bruising.
3. Don't have to worry now with which two of my children will have to share a room.
4. There will be less to pack up when we run out of the house for errands or vacation.
5. We might have a few bucks saved for retirement, if we get a move on that is...
6. I have a better chance of NOT looking like I swallowed a beach ball at the pool this summer.
7. I don't have to endure natural child birth again!!!
8. I don't have to scrutinize everything that I eat or drink for fear it is on the "don't" list.
9. Saves me the worry of how we were going to pay for the doctor/hospital bills since we didn't have maternity insurance.
10. I will be able to stop changing poopie diapers earlier than I thought I would.
11. I can look at my two MIRACLE children with a renew appreciation, and love them with every fiber of my being!!!

But of course, I would gladly go through all of the above had things have turned out differently. Moving forward, right foot, left foot, stay busy, just stay busy... 

Oh great God, are you small enough?

So...the news at the Obgyn today wasn't the greatest. As a matter of fact, it stunk!!! There was a pregnancy, but the baby never formed.  Not the first time for this if you read the previous post about my story.  I figured when the doctor began the ultrasound and said in a small voice, "well, there is a pregnancy." "But I do not see a baby yet, are you sure of your dates?"  I can not tell a lie, my heart sank to the depths of my being.  I was trying to be hopeful, but my heart was still guarded for the just in case, which happens to me quite often. However, the hardest part by far, was having to tell my sweet daughter there was no baby, and watching the tears roll down her face as her heart broke over the news.

It is one thing to feel hurt yourself, but when you watch your child hurting...it certainly brings on a whole new level of hurt.  She was so hoping for a girl, and would have been happy with a boy too.  She always wanted more brothers and sisters...just not that easy in this house though.  I wanted a healthy baby first, then maybe a sister for her!  But life just isn't going to work that way this time around.  And my husband plays tough but I know he is feeling the sadness too!  What gives it away with him?  Let's see, some red wine, and a half bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips I suppose is what helps him drown his sorrows.  And of course Luke doesn't have a clue, which is a blessing!  The grandparents are sad, and the rest of our family and friends join in with our heartbreak today.  Now to figure out what happens next, and the surgical procedure that must take place to help my body along with making things right again.

So, I won't go on with the gloom and doom, but will accept all prayers for myself and my family.  But I will look to God for peace, and will continue to stand firm on my faith!  I know some of you may not understand, but sometimes bad things happen to good people.  Trust me, I know, this isn't my first rodeo when it comes to having something bad happen, even though I do all I can do to be "good."  I will choose to be positive, enjoy the two beautiful miracle children I have to hold in my arms, and know tonight my God will surely be small enough to hear my cry and hold me in His arms.  I will rest in Him alone, for His ways are perfect...I don't understand now, but one day it will be completely clear.  My prayer is God will use me as a light that shines brightly despite my circumstances.  I will just move on...and skip the smiling part for today.